After talking it over with my wife, I’ve decided to accept a new position with Microsoft. I’m going to be working on the PR side of a project called Microsoft Linux. I was given the green light to share the following details:
– Microsoft Linux will be using a highly customized KDE desktop. Microsoft found that by adding a few minor tweaks to the desktop, it had just enough arbitrary options to confuse the end user. Thus ensuring end users will have ample reasons to contact Microsoft for support.
– A new beta product called “Microsoft Office For Linux Delivered By The Redmond Development Team Enhanced By The Cloud Version 0.459 Live” will be made available in the included Microsoft Software Repository.
– Microsoft Linux will be based on the Windows 10 release schedule, and will be free to anyone who wishes to upgrade from their current Linux desktop. By free, we mean you’re free to buy it at retail cost.
– Microsoft Linux will be available for boxed purchase from Amazon once it’s released to the public.
– For this first release, product keys will not be needed. However, you will be asked to take a blood oath and swear allegiance to the project lead pictured below. His name is Simon.
– To make this product easier to use, you’ll be able to choose the updates you’d like to install. And should you choose not to install them, you can expect a visit to your home from Simon and the Microsoft Compliance Team. Their job is to help you make the best update choices for you and your family….should they allow you to survive. Additional survival opportunities will be made available in the future by installing Microsoft Service Packs.
How does this affect me using Linux?
I will continue using Linux of course – Microsoft Linux that is. Based on the briefing I received during orientation, Simon Says Microsoft Linux will help existing Linux enthusiasts become more productive by taking away all that “choice making” nonsense everyone is always going on about. As it turns out, Microsoft really does offer a genuine advantage.
Going forward, I will be recording viruses videos showing folks the benefits of switching from whatever silly boutique distro you’re using now and joining us on the winning team. Simon’s team at Microsoft has spent the past two years working behind the scenes learning what Linux users want and how Microsoft can win them back. One of the areas where Microsoft plans on outshining the competition is in revolutionizing the Linux installation process.
Installing Microsoft Linux
Ask any Linux user and they’ll tell you what a hassle it is to download UNetbootin, then click on the distro you want and wait while it sets up your USB flash drive. This is just too many steps! Thankfully, Microsoft is offering the ability to order a boxed copy of Microsoft Linux from Amazon. A few days later when it arrives, you simply remove the theft-resistant plastic packaging with the included blowtorch – (which is also located inside the theft-resistant plastic packaging).
If patience isn’t your strong suit, you could do what I did and throw away the package and the blowtorch. Then feel free to pirate a previously leaked copy of Microsoft Linux via bittorrent. Next, simply browse over to the Microsoft Linux Activation page to begin setting up the new account. To authorize your installation, just download and print the hand written PDF file. Answer each question in red ink. Sorry, red pens are not available for download at this time.
Once you’ve filled out the required form, make a two-inch cut on your left hand and place the bloody mess onto the bottom of the form. Once this is completed, simply mail the form to Microsoft Compliance via the postal service. Unfortunately, email and faxing isn’t allowed at this time, as the blood must be cataloged for DNA skimming by Microsoft Eugenics. They will be taking your DNA information to begin development on the next version of Microsoft Linux: Version 2.0 – Skinsuit Edition.”
So what software besides Microsoft Office For Linux Delivered By The Redmond Development Team Enhanced By The Cloud Version 0.459 Live will be included with Microsoft Linux? You’ll find all the same great titles you enjoyed before! Because Microsoft is becoming a “Software as Service” type of company, you’ll have the opportunity to pay a monthly fee to access your favorite applications.
Simon explained to me that since Linux software developers were too “caught up” in developing stuff, Microsoft took it upon themselves to set up pre-authorized EFT debits from your bank account. How’s that for convenience! Even better, the Linux software developers won’t have to pay Microsoft a dime for this service — your EFT debits will cover this cost for them. Microsoft is really stepping up their cooperation with open source developers.
Sign up as a beta tester
Excited to try out Microsoft Linux for yourself? Fantastic, this will show Simon that clearly, I’m the right man to promote this new Linux distro. To get started and become a beta tester, simply begin by filling out this form.